Howard Kurtz
Ole Bubba should get some ravos
For showing Fox News his huevos
Will this be a sign
Of additional spine?
Some Democrat ano nuevos?
Monday, September 25, 2006
Falwell Just Joking About Hillary And Devil
RICHMOND, Va. -- The Rev. Jerry Falwell acknowledged on Sunday that he said if Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton were the Democrats' presidential nominee in 2008, it would motivate conservative evangelical Christians to oppose her more than if the devil himself were running.
Falwell said in a telephone interview that his comments to several hundred pastors and religious activists at the "Value Voter Summit" conference were "totally tongue-in-cheek."
The Reverend went on to make some off-the-record comments which were diabolically leaked:
“I merely believe that she is only one of the Four Horsepersons of the Apocalypse. The others are Hugo Chavez, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Nancy Pelosi”.
When asked if he thought that The End Is Near, Mr. Falwell chuckled:
“We are fighting them successfully with The Four Cowboys; George Bush, Dick Cheney, Don Rumsfeld and Alberto Gonzalez”
Sounds like Technorati
all over again.
Falwell said in a telephone interview that his comments to several hundred pastors and religious activists at the "Value Voter Summit" conference were "totally tongue-in-cheek."
The Reverend went on to make some off-the-record comments which were diabolically leaked:
“I merely believe that she is only one of the Four Horsepersons of the Apocalypse. The others are Hugo Chavez, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Nancy Pelosi”.
When asked if he thought that The End Is Near, Mr. Falwell chuckled:
“We are fighting them successfully with The Four Cowboys; George Bush, Dick Cheney, Don Rumsfeld and Alberto Gonzalez”
Sounds like Technorati
all over again.
Friday, September 22, 2006
George Allen summons my muse
I once called some kid a macaca
Cause he didn’t look like a Cracka
I tried to explain
Nearly drove me insane
Til they made me take it backa
My mama – turns out she’s a Jew
I tried to tell them - “who knew?”
The newspaper Forward
Was very untoward
This good ol’ boy’s cover they blew
To George Bush I am true and tried
Cut and run I will never abide
I said “Stay the course!”
Then had some remorse
When I learned it no longer applied
Although it’s been talked of a lot
Running for Prez I am not
Just a year in New Hampshire
And that’s all for damn sure
Cause you know that I don’t have a shot
Here's one for the Big Decider:
I love them in every way
And hope most will make it someday
I mourn each loss
With a tiny little cross
On my watch, no stem cells are gay!
Cause he didn’t look like a Cracka
I tried to explain
Nearly drove me insane
Til they made me take it backa
My mama – turns out she’s a Jew
I tried to tell them - “who knew?”
The newspaper Forward
Was very untoward
This good ol’ boy’s cover they blew
To George Bush I am true and tried
Cut and run I will never abide
I said “Stay the course!”
Then had some remorse
When I learned it no longer applied
Although it’s been talked of a lot
Running for Prez I am not
Just a year in New Hampshire
And that’s all for damn sure
Cause you know that I don’t have a shot
Here's one for the Big Decider:
I love them in every way
And hope most will make it someday
I mourn each loss
With a tiny little cross
On my watch, no stem cells are gay!
Thursday, September 21, 2006
For Maher Arar
Your story has affected me deeply, and I wish to tell you how angry I am at those responsible for your ordeal. I also wish to warn you that you must be very careful from here on.
The people who did this to you are still your enemies. You have also made many more enemies, for reasons that have nothing to do with you, or the issues of torture and injustice. They believe there are ‘larger issues’, and if they think you are in the way, they will have no qualms about putting you thru another ordeal if it suits their purpose.
At the same time, there are people who are sympathetic, but not so sympathetic that they won’t try to use you to further their ‘larger issues’. They will lionize and flatter you until you don’t recognize yourself, and they are also your enemies.
You shouldn’t get caught between these two groups, for that will surely increase your anger and make you despair of justice. This is what American politics is today, and Canadian politicians also have their agendas.
There are many, many people who are sincere in their wish to help you achieve justice, and there is a chance that you may get it eventually. I believe it is not as important as trying to keep your family in a safe, quiet place so that all of you can deal with the scars and wounds. You seem to have kept your sanity so far, and that is a very good start.
I wish I could do something more than offer you advice, which I’m sure you have had enough of. I wish I could give you and your wife a hug and buy ice cream for your kids.
I wish I could say “Never again”.
Sincerely
One American
The people who did this to you are still your enemies. You have also made many more enemies, for reasons that have nothing to do with you, or the issues of torture and injustice. They believe there are ‘larger issues’, and if they think you are in the way, they will have no qualms about putting you thru another ordeal if it suits their purpose.
At the same time, there are people who are sympathetic, but not so sympathetic that they won’t try to use you to further their ‘larger issues’. They will lionize and flatter you until you don’t recognize yourself, and they are also your enemies.
You shouldn’t get caught between these two groups, for that will surely increase your anger and make you despair of justice. This is what American politics is today, and Canadian politicians also have their agendas.
There are many, many people who are sincere in their wish to help you achieve justice, and there is a chance that you may get it eventually. I believe it is not as important as trying to keep your family in a safe, quiet place so that all of you can deal with the scars and wounds. You seem to have kept your sanity so far, and that is a very good start.
I wish I could do something more than offer you advice, which I’m sure you have had enough of. I wish I could give you and your wife a hug and buy ice cream for your kids.
I wish I could say “Never again”.
Sincerely
One American
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Hugo Doesn't Know the Devil
This item here convinces me that Hugo knows nothing important.
I’m absolutely sure that no world leader, past or present, is the devil, not even Hitler. The devil almost always stays behind the scenes. After Hugo’s dumb remarks, I know that the devil is not behind him, because he’s just not smart enough for her. Saddam wasn’t too bright either, and besides, he never trusted anyone. Neither did Stalin.
Mahmoud the A is very, very smart, so she may be in Iran.
We have a lot of very smart guys over here, and I’m not the only one who wonders what makes them do some of the things they do. But I do know that lots of things attributed to the devil are just everyday human failings.
This is what I think I know about the Devil:
In the good old days, my favorite National Socialist was Maggie Goebbels. She was the True Believer, right behind Adolf’s pal Joey – the perfect spot for her. She thought that Adolf's 1939 adventure was premature, but even with her great influence she couldn't slow the boy down. So now Adolf is long gone, never to return, incinerated by the Checks and Balances Team. We got help, of course, when the Second Worst Man in the World was dumb enough to annoy the First – Uncle Joe (Maggie really threw up her hands at that one).
Interesting to speculate what would have happened if Maggie had thought to put Napoleon on Adolf’s summer reading list. No doubt we would have gotten it done anyway, but Ike would have had to stick to his second greatest job a while longer. Would Uncle Joe have been more or less of a problem? Would Ike have been too burned out to run for the Big Job? Maybe he wouldn’t have started until 1956. For those who remember the Domino Theory, think about that possibility.
Maggie couldn’t convince Adolf to be a realist and have patience, so she had to abandon her front man. She never steps out front herself unless she needs to prevent the minds of her kids from being poisoned by the Checks and Balances Team.
In today’s more complex world, Maggie needs an intermediate strategy. If she already has the right guy picked out, she may try to reproduce 1928 as best she can. If not, she’ll try for 1918 to give her time to select the best man before she starts raising her family again. Remember, she has lots of patience, speaks every language, and is always charming no matter what she looks like.
Regardless, we are still the leader of the Checks and Balances Team, but everyone must know the accounting has gotten a little sloppy lately. The checks aren’t bouncing yet, so we must still have a balance. I wish someone could tell me what it is. A reasonable approximation will do.
I’m absolutely sure that no world leader, past or present, is the devil, not even Hitler. The devil almost always stays behind the scenes. After Hugo’s dumb remarks, I know that the devil is not behind him, because he’s just not smart enough for her. Saddam wasn’t too bright either, and besides, he never trusted anyone. Neither did Stalin.
Mahmoud the A is very, very smart, so she may be in Iran.
We have a lot of very smart guys over here, and I’m not the only one who wonders what makes them do some of the things they do. But I do know that lots of things attributed to the devil are just everyday human failings.
This is what I think I know about the Devil:
In the good old days, my favorite National Socialist was Maggie Goebbels. She was the True Believer, right behind Adolf’s pal Joey – the perfect spot for her. She thought that Adolf's 1939 adventure was premature, but even with her great influence she couldn't slow the boy down. So now Adolf is long gone, never to return, incinerated by the Checks and Balances Team. We got help, of course, when the Second Worst Man in the World was dumb enough to annoy the First – Uncle Joe (Maggie really threw up her hands at that one).
Interesting to speculate what would have happened if Maggie had thought to put Napoleon on Adolf’s summer reading list. No doubt we would have gotten it done anyway, but Ike would have had to stick to his second greatest job a while longer. Would Uncle Joe have been more or less of a problem? Would Ike have been too burned out to run for the Big Job? Maybe he wouldn’t have started until 1956. For those who remember the Domino Theory, think about that possibility.
Maggie couldn’t convince Adolf to be a realist and have patience, so she had to abandon her front man. She never steps out front herself unless she needs to prevent the minds of her kids from being poisoned by the Checks and Balances Team.
In today’s more complex world, Maggie needs an intermediate strategy. If she already has the right guy picked out, she may try to reproduce 1928 as best she can. If not, she’ll try for 1918 to give her time to select the best man before she starts raising her family again. Remember, she has lots of patience, speaks every language, and is always charming no matter what she looks like.
Regardless, we are still the leader of the Checks and Balances Team, but everyone must know the accounting has gotten a little sloppy lately. The checks aren’t bouncing yet, so we must still have a balance. I wish someone could tell me what it is. A reasonable approximation will do.
Mahmoud the A
Have you ever tried to contact an elected official outside of your voting area?
To: Mahmadinejad@Iranlovesyou.com
CC: Ayatollah1@mullahmail.gov
Subj: Everything
Dear A,
Why don’t you stop talking out of both sides of your mouth? Shah on you!
Sincerely
Rio Piano
From : Mahmadinejad@Iranlovesyou.com
Sent : Wednesday, September 20, 2006 5:49 AM
To : RioPiano@blogspot.com
Subject : Re: Everything
Dear Honorable Piano
Thank you for taking the time to contact me. I appreciate the opportunity to hear from you.
Due to the large volume of mail I receive, I regret that I am only able to respond personally to inquiries from Iranians.
As we continue our work in Century 21, I look forward to
supporting our troops in the War on Terror, providing the men and their women of the National Guard and Reserves with improved health care, strengthening Nuclear Security, protecting Iranian jobs, lowering the tax burden on Iranian families, and making the Iraqi Shiite government more efficient in their dealings with annoying Sunnis.
If your correspondence pertains to a scheduling request, please fax your
request to CNN.com, MSNBC.com, or foxsports.com.
Sincerely,
Mahmoud the A
To: Mahmadinejad@Iranlovesyou.com
CC: Ayatollah1@mullahmail.gov
Subj: Everything
Dear A,
Why don’t you stop talking out of both sides of your mouth? Shah on you!
Sincerely
Rio Piano
From : Mahmadinejad@Iranlovesyou.com
Sent : Wednesday, September 20, 2006 5:49 AM
To : RioPiano@blogspot.com
Subject : Re: Everything
Dear Honorable Piano
Thank you for taking the time to contact me. I appreciate the opportunity to hear from you.
Due to the large volume of mail I receive, I regret that I am only able to respond personally to inquiries from Iranians.
As we continue our work in Century 21, I look forward to
supporting our troops in the War on Terror, providing the men and their women of the National Guard and Reserves with improved health care, strengthening Nuclear Security, protecting Iranian jobs, lowering the tax burden on Iranian families, and making the Iraqi Shiite government more efficient in their dealings with annoying Sunnis.
If your correspondence pertains to a scheduling request, please fax your
request to CNN.com, MSNBC.com, or foxsports.com.
Sincerely,
Mahmoud the A
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
A new flavor of Cheney Lalaland
Cheney Says Hopes of World Rest on U.S.
After hearing "I happen to disagree with the Supreme Court" on Meet the Press, I didn't think the Veep could surprise me anymore. But here's what he said today:
Speaking to the National Automobile Dealers Association, Cheney suggested that the U.S. economy was firing on all cylinders and seldom has been stronger. He credited Bush tax cuts in 2001 and 2003, and urged Congress to finish work on making them permanent.
Cheney told the dealers that modern automobiles are "marvels of design, performance and reliability. ... You're part of the reason America remains among the strongest economies in the world."
I guess the last time he looked, GM and Ford were making money hand over fist and hiring like crazy. Probably just another story he hasn't read but totally disagrees with.
After hearing "I happen to disagree with the Supreme Court" on Meet the Press, I didn't think the Veep could surprise me anymore. But here's what he said today:
Speaking to the National Automobile Dealers Association, Cheney suggested that the U.S. economy was firing on all cylinders and seldom has been stronger. He credited Bush tax cuts in 2001 and 2003, and urged Congress to finish work on making them permanent.
Cheney told the dealers that modern automobiles are "marvels of design, performance and reliability. ... You're part of the reason America remains among the strongest economies in the world."
I guess the last time he looked, GM and Ford were making money hand over fist and hiring like crazy. Probably just another story he hasn't read but totally disagrees with.
They are coming back
NASA Delays Shuttle Landing
What is that strange object in space? Looks like a flying saucer to me. I think it’s going to land someplace where a lot of key House races are in doubt, perhaps Pennsylvania.
The Invaders are returning with their pods to snatch bodies. Just like they did in 1956 when another great American, Tail Gunner Joe McCarthy, sounded the alarm.
They will now be here as well as there. Here, there, everywhere. That’s exactly why we must elect loyal Republicans and get all the obsolete constitutional safeguards out of the way.
Don’t panic yet. NSA has a program, ready to implement, that will pinpoint them. We can snatch the bodies of the snatched bodies and render them overseas somewhere. Then we can all breath a sigh of relief for two years.
Great work, Karl! Best October Surprise ever!
What is that strange object in space? Looks like a flying saucer to me. I think it’s going to land someplace where a lot of key House races are in doubt, perhaps Pennsylvania.
The Invaders are returning with their pods to snatch bodies. Just like they did in 1956 when another great American, Tail Gunner Joe McCarthy, sounded the alarm.
They will now be here as well as there. Here, there, everywhere. That’s exactly why we must elect loyal Republicans and get all the obsolete constitutional safeguards out of the way.
Don’t panic yet. NSA has a program, ready to implement, that will pinpoint them. We can snatch the bodies of the snatched bodies and render them overseas somewhere. Then we can all breath a sigh of relief for two years.
Great work, Karl! Best October Surprise ever!
Monday, September 18, 2006
The Torture Debate
Whenever I feel conflicted over a knotty problem, I sometimes look up at the pictures on my Wall of Fame to imagine what those guys would think. And so it is with this so-called ‘Torture Issue’.
I think I know what Jesus would say, but then there is Tommy Torquemada. Hmmm. What if they had a Fair and Balanced debate? You might think it would be a slam-dunk, but if Jesus didn’t do his homework, Tommy could sandbag him with all kinds of verses from the Bible. Anyway, they would probably get too academic and leave me more confused then I am now.
So I continued scanning the wall. Bobby E. Lee vs. Billy T. Sherman? Probably get sidetracked on tangential issues. Buster Keaton probably wouldn’t say much either way. Jimmy Carter and Ronnie Reagan? That wouldn’t be fair.
At last! Here are the guys who can resolve the matter once and for all!
The cast:
PARROT - Eric Idle
LEFTY - Michael Palin
RIGHTY - John Cleese
LEO - Terry Jones
ZERO - Graham Chapman (Can’t R.I.P.)
AUDIENCE - Themselves
The scene is the Henhouse TV studio. Parrot sits behind his desk, flanked by Lefty and Righty in their usual seats.
Parrot: Welcome back, boys. Today’s debate topic is ‘Does Torture Work?’ What say you, Lefty?
Lefty: It doesn't work. You can never be sure you get the right answer.
Righty: Of course it works, you twip. You just have to keep at it until you phrase the question properly. Something your ilk of mealy-mouthed blackguards have no stomach for.
Lefty: No, it doesn’t.
Righty: Yes it does.
Lefty: No, it doesn’t!
Righty: Yes it does!
Lefty: Doesn’t.
Righty: Does.
Lefty: Doesn’t.
Righty: Does.
Parrot: Look here, boys. This is contradiction, not debate. We’ll have to spice up the conversation a bit.
Parrot waves and Zero and Leo wheel in a large filled bathtub. It has a seesaw balanced on top with straps attached. A.K.A. – The Medieval Waterboard. They grab Lefty, strap him down and upend him.
Leo and Zero in unison: One one thousand, two one thousand, three one thousand.
The studio audience joins in. After fifteen one thousand, Parrot signals and Zero and Leo bring Lefty up for air.
Parrot: What say you now, Lefty?
Lefty (gasping): That wasn’t fair.
Righty: Answer the question.
Parrot: Yes, please do.
Lefty hesitates and Zero and Leo wiggle the board up and down.
Lefty: All right. All right. Torture works.
Zero and Leo unstrap Lefty and, as the audience cheers, he returns to his seat.
Lefty: Do you have a towel?
A towel is thrown in from offstage and Lefty mops his face.
Lefty: How about a blow dryer?
Parrot: Nevermind that. Let’s get on with it.
Righty: You’ll have to admit you’ve shown your yellow stripe and I’ve scored a clear-cut victory.
Parrot: Just a moment, my friend. We have to be fair and balanced here.
Parrot nods and Leo and Zero grab Righty, strap him down and upend him.
Leo and Zero in unison: One one thousand, two one thousand, three one thousand.
The studio audience joins in. After fifteen one thousand, Parrot signals and Zero and Leo bring Righty up for air.
Parrot: What say you now, Righty?
Righty (gasping): Torture works.
Parrot: What say you, Lefty?
Lefty smiles, opens his mouth, then swallows hard.
Parrot: I’m waiting, Lefty.
Lefty: I agree with him. What say you, Parrot?
Parrot: I disagree. He’s been tortured and hasn’t changed his opinion. That seems to prove the opposite premise. Is that correct, Righty, or shall we rephrase the question?
Righty (grudgingly): Torture doesn’t work.
Zero and Leo unstrap Righty and he returns to his seat as the audience boos loudly.
Righty: Can I borrow that towel?
Lefty: Of course.
Righty mops his face and hands the towel back to Lefty.
Righty: Thank you.
Lefty: You’re welcome.
Lefty and Righty sit staring straight ahead. Parrot looks back and forth at them. After several seconds of silence, the audience starts to hiss. Parrot waves his hands for quiet.
Parrot: Gentlemen. We appear to have lost the thread here. You seem somewhat refreshed, Lefty. Why don’t you continue?
Lefty (slowly): Torture is a very effective technique to use when conducting debates.
Righty: No it isn’t.
Lefty: Of course it is. It worked on you, or didn’t it?
Righty: It did, but it didn’t. What I mean to say is, well --- nevermind, I’ll stick with my position.
Parrot: Which is?
Lefty: Don’t answer that. We need a different approach. Something we both can agree on. What say you, Righty?
Righty: I’m with you all the way, Lefty.
They stand up, seize Parrot, strap him on the waterboard and upend him before Zero and Leo can intervene. The four of them fight over the foot end of the seesaw as Parrot’s head bobs up and down.
Righty: Back off, you two! If you don’t stop interfering, I’ll never appear on this show again.
Lefty: Neither will I!
Zero and Leo hesitate, then back off.
Leo: How long will you keep him under?
Lefty: As long as necessary.
Righty: Absolutely!
Leo: What do you want him to say?
Righty: Nothing at all.
Lefty: He’s said too much already.
Leo: Zero, shouldn’t we do something?
Zero: What for? Have you seen the ratings lately? Without these two, he’s as good as dead.
Leo: I just don’t know. Zero.
Zero: Wake up, Leo. Can’t you see what the demand for these guys will be after this show? They can write their own ticket everywhere. And they’ll take us with them, all the way to the top. Right, boys?
Lefty: Sure enough!
Righty: Right on!
Leo: Zero, I don’t want to go to jail.
Zero: Don’t be silly. After what Parrot did to them, it’s totally justifiable. No jury would convict them. And we are just innocent bystanders.
Leo: Well, we did try to stop them.
Lefty: Unquestionably!
Righty: Unambiguously!
Zero: The people! The people will support us. We’ll have a huge legal defense fund and get lawyers who will be glad to take the case for nothing. See what I mean, boys?
Lefty: Positively!
Righty: Precisely!
Leo: Look Zero, he’s still twitching. The audience is still watching him.
Zero: Not for long. This Parrot is shmutz. Chazarie. Bubkes. A former tchotchke. His show has to move to a different network.
Leo: You’re right Zero. Now he seems to be resting comfortably.
They all look at Parrot’s motionless legs in the air.
Lefty: Mort.
Righty: Muerto.
Leo: Senza vita.
Lefty: Surrendere a son destin.
Righty: Habla el loro, yo no mas.
Leo: Cadavere. Il grande fumo.
Lefty: Coup de pied de seau a glace.
Righty: Debajo de autobus. Matar de el camino.
Leo: Metabolismo, come si dice, storia.
Lefty: Chanter le blues avec Billie Vacances.
Righty: Y zona rural con Johnny Dinero.
Leo: Sala de ballo con Lawrence Welk.
Zero: Shluffen mit pesci papagallo.
Leo: Sorry Zero, that’s a mixed metaphor.
Zero: No it isn’t!
Leo: Yes it is!
Righty: No time for another debate, mate. I believe we need an advert break.
Lefty: Unfortunately, though not as finally as our friend over there, we have run completely out of time.
Righty: Just as well. I believe it is time to redeploy some of the excess water we have taken in. What say you, partner?
Lefty: Absolutely!
Leo: Definitivement!
Zero: Assolutamente esatto!
The four clasp hands and take several bows to thunderous applause and whistling from the audience. They leave the stage. The audience files out. The studio lights are turned off one by one. It is very dark.
On the stage, the right foot twitches. The left foot bends at the knee and flexes. Ever so slowly, the seesaw starts moving up to a parallel, then beyond.
FIN FINAL FINE GENUG
We wish to thank our friends at wordreference.com and wikipedia.org for their support. Any similarity to Mel Brooks characters, living or dead, is impurely coincidental.
I think I know what Jesus would say, but then there is Tommy Torquemada. Hmmm. What if they had a Fair and Balanced debate? You might think it would be a slam-dunk, but if Jesus didn’t do his homework, Tommy could sandbag him with all kinds of verses from the Bible. Anyway, they would probably get too academic and leave me more confused then I am now.
So I continued scanning the wall. Bobby E. Lee vs. Billy T. Sherman? Probably get sidetracked on tangential issues. Buster Keaton probably wouldn’t say much either way. Jimmy Carter and Ronnie Reagan? That wouldn’t be fair.
At last! Here are the guys who can resolve the matter once and for all!
The cast:
PARROT - Eric Idle
LEFTY - Michael Palin
RIGHTY - John Cleese
LEO - Terry Jones
ZERO - Graham Chapman (Can’t R.I.P.)
AUDIENCE - Themselves
The scene is the Henhouse TV studio. Parrot sits behind his desk, flanked by Lefty and Righty in their usual seats.
Parrot: Welcome back, boys. Today’s debate topic is ‘Does Torture Work?’ What say you, Lefty?
Lefty: It doesn't work. You can never be sure you get the right answer.
Righty: Of course it works, you twip. You just have to keep at it until you phrase the question properly. Something your ilk of mealy-mouthed blackguards have no stomach for.
Lefty: No, it doesn’t.
Righty: Yes it does.
Lefty: No, it doesn’t!
Righty: Yes it does!
Lefty: Doesn’t.
Righty: Does.
Lefty: Doesn’t.
Righty: Does.
Parrot: Look here, boys. This is contradiction, not debate. We’ll have to spice up the conversation a bit.
Parrot waves and Zero and Leo wheel in a large filled bathtub. It has a seesaw balanced on top with straps attached. A.K.A. – The Medieval Waterboard. They grab Lefty, strap him down and upend him.
Leo and Zero in unison: One one thousand, two one thousand, three one thousand.
The studio audience joins in. After fifteen one thousand, Parrot signals and Zero and Leo bring Lefty up for air.
Parrot: What say you now, Lefty?
Lefty (gasping): That wasn’t fair.
Righty: Answer the question.
Parrot: Yes, please do.
Lefty hesitates and Zero and Leo wiggle the board up and down.
Lefty: All right. All right. Torture works.
Zero and Leo unstrap Lefty and, as the audience cheers, he returns to his seat.
Lefty: Do you have a towel?
A towel is thrown in from offstage and Lefty mops his face.
Lefty: How about a blow dryer?
Parrot: Nevermind that. Let’s get on with it.
Righty: You’ll have to admit you’ve shown your yellow stripe and I’ve scored a clear-cut victory.
Parrot: Just a moment, my friend. We have to be fair and balanced here.
Parrot nods and Leo and Zero grab Righty, strap him down and upend him.
Leo and Zero in unison: One one thousand, two one thousand, three one thousand.
The studio audience joins in. After fifteen one thousand, Parrot signals and Zero and Leo bring Righty up for air.
Parrot: What say you now, Righty?
Righty (gasping): Torture works.
Parrot: What say you, Lefty?
Lefty smiles, opens his mouth, then swallows hard.
Parrot: I’m waiting, Lefty.
Lefty: I agree with him. What say you, Parrot?
Parrot: I disagree. He’s been tortured and hasn’t changed his opinion. That seems to prove the opposite premise. Is that correct, Righty, or shall we rephrase the question?
Righty (grudgingly): Torture doesn’t work.
Zero and Leo unstrap Righty and he returns to his seat as the audience boos loudly.
Righty: Can I borrow that towel?
Lefty: Of course.
Righty mops his face and hands the towel back to Lefty.
Righty: Thank you.
Lefty: You’re welcome.
Lefty and Righty sit staring straight ahead. Parrot looks back and forth at them. After several seconds of silence, the audience starts to hiss. Parrot waves his hands for quiet.
Parrot: Gentlemen. We appear to have lost the thread here. You seem somewhat refreshed, Lefty. Why don’t you continue?
Lefty (slowly): Torture is a very effective technique to use when conducting debates.
Righty: No it isn’t.
Lefty: Of course it is. It worked on you, or didn’t it?
Righty: It did, but it didn’t. What I mean to say is, well --- nevermind, I’ll stick with my position.
Parrot: Which is?
Lefty: Don’t answer that. We need a different approach. Something we both can agree on. What say you, Righty?
Righty: I’m with you all the way, Lefty.
They stand up, seize Parrot, strap him on the waterboard and upend him before Zero and Leo can intervene. The four of them fight over the foot end of the seesaw as Parrot’s head bobs up and down.
Righty: Back off, you two! If you don’t stop interfering, I’ll never appear on this show again.
Lefty: Neither will I!
Zero and Leo hesitate, then back off.
Leo: How long will you keep him under?
Lefty: As long as necessary.
Righty: Absolutely!
Leo: What do you want him to say?
Righty: Nothing at all.
Lefty: He’s said too much already.
Leo: Zero, shouldn’t we do something?
Zero: What for? Have you seen the ratings lately? Without these two, he’s as good as dead.
Leo: I just don’t know. Zero.
Zero: Wake up, Leo. Can’t you see what the demand for these guys will be after this show? They can write their own ticket everywhere. And they’ll take us with them, all the way to the top. Right, boys?
Lefty: Sure enough!
Righty: Right on!
Leo: Zero, I don’t want to go to jail.
Zero: Don’t be silly. After what Parrot did to them, it’s totally justifiable. No jury would convict them. And we are just innocent bystanders.
Leo: Well, we did try to stop them.
Lefty: Unquestionably!
Righty: Unambiguously!
Zero: The people! The people will support us. We’ll have a huge legal defense fund and get lawyers who will be glad to take the case for nothing. See what I mean, boys?
Lefty: Positively!
Righty: Precisely!
Leo: Look Zero, he’s still twitching. The audience is still watching him.
Zero: Not for long. This Parrot is shmutz. Chazarie. Bubkes. A former tchotchke. His show has to move to a different network.
Leo: You’re right Zero. Now he seems to be resting comfortably.
They all look at Parrot’s motionless legs in the air.
Lefty: Mort.
Righty: Muerto.
Leo: Senza vita.
Lefty: Surrendere a son destin.
Righty: Habla el loro, yo no mas.
Leo: Cadavere. Il grande fumo.
Lefty: Coup de pied de seau a glace.
Righty: Debajo de autobus. Matar de el camino.
Leo: Metabolismo, come si dice, storia.
Lefty: Chanter le blues avec Billie Vacances.
Righty: Y zona rural con Johnny Dinero.
Leo: Sala de ballo con Lawrence Welk.
Zero: Shluffen mit pesci papagallo.
Leo: Sorry Zero, that’s a mixed metaphor.
Zero: No it isn’t!
Leo: Yes it is!
Righty: No time for another debate, mate. I believe we need an advert break.
Lefty: Unfortunately, though not as finally as our friend over there, we have run completely out of time.
Righty: Just as well. I believe it is time to redeploy some of the excess water we have taken in. What say you, partner?
Lefty: Absolutely!
Leo: Definitivement!
Zero: Assolutamente esatto!
The four clasp hands and take several bows to thunderous applause and whistling from the audience. They leave the stage. The audience files out. The studio lights are turned off one by one. It is very dark.
On the stage, the right foot twitches. The left foot bends at the knee and flexes. Ever so slowly, the seesaw starts moving up to a parallel, then beyond.
FIN FINAL FINE GENUG
We wish to thank our friends at wordreference.com and wikipedia.org for their support. Any similarity to Mel Brooks characters, living or dead, is impurely coincidental.
Friday, September 15, 2006
Another signal
Interesting piece of fence-straddling by the avid talkingpointer Mr Krauthammer
The Tehran Calculus in today's Washington Post.
The odds against the October Surprise have gone up a little, but it's too soon to breath easy.
The Tehran Calculus in today's Washington Post.
The odds against the October Surprise have gone up a little, but it's too soon to breath easy.
Thursday, September 14, 2006
What''s the signal?
No big news that Warner, McCain and Graham call a torture a torture. Senators Defy Bush On Terror Measure They've been out front on this all along.
What is interesting is somebody like Colin Powell, who has kept his lip pretty much zipped because the end - The Big Picture in Iraq - has so far justified the means. When he finally says what he has truly believed all along, it's a signal.
Even more interesting is Pat Roberts, a truly zealous protector of the flank. CIA Learned in '02 That Bin Laden Had No Iraq Ties, Report Says Big signal.
So what's the signal? Time to start winding it down in Iraq? Could be.
Maybe it's just "Turn down the traitor and coward electionspeak", because sometimes the end doesn't justify the means.
Or maybe - "Winning the election does not justify bombing Iran next month".
I can't judge until I see some more signals from the unusual suspects.
What is interesting is somebody like Colin Powell, who has kept his lip pretty much zipped because the end - The Big Picture in Iraq - has so far justified the means. When he finally says what he has truly believed all along, it's a signal.
Even more interesting is Pat Roberts, a truly zealous protector of the flank. CIA Learned in '02 That Bin Laden Had No Iraq Ties, Report Says Big signal.
So what's the signal? Time to start winding it down in Iraq? Could be.
Maybe it's just "Turn down the traitor and coward electionspeak", because sometimes the end doesn't justify the means.
Or maybe - "Winning the election does not justify bombing Iran next month".
I can't judge until I see some more signals from the unusual suspects.
El Nino is coming
El Nino is coming, and that means less tropical terrorism. It also gives Karl Rove another chance to rally the base for his best Nino, NOTUS. Pardon me for speaking in the past tense, but you know it's coming.
Speaking at a Republican fundraiser, President Bush stated that he has the right approach to global warming. He stated “There are good people who don’t want to make this fight, the same people who want to cut and run everywhere else on our great planet. I respect their opinions, but I think they are wrong –-- and here’s why. I believe the ocean is a key battleground in the global war on warmth. We will fight them there, rather than here.” After only a smattering of applause, the President, raising his arm and pointing emphatically, said “There! Over there!” He got a standing ovation. The President then cautioned that the war was not over yet, and he needed everyone’s prayers and support. This produced another ovation, with cheering and whistling.
When questioned at the daily briefing, press secretary Tony Snow cited the President’s belief in free markets and his support for school prayer. Despite numerous questions by the press corps, he refused to elaborate, referring the matter to the appropriate authorities.
On the Sunday talk shows, Ken Mehlman, the Republican Party Chairman, said that this would be a good issue for Republican candidates in the days ahead. “The gloom and doom Democrats want lots of hurricanes with horrendous damage just to embarrass the President. They will find out where they stand when the polls close”
On Meet The Press, Vice President Cheney declared “Our opponents in Congress will stand by helplessly and watch which way the wind blows, while we prefer to keep the high pressure on until all hurricanes are squashed”. Tim Russert did not ask a follow-up question, simply staring at Mr. Cheney with his mouth open until commercial break.
Leading Democrats, surprisingly unified on the issue, declined comment pending new polling data. It was rumored that, behind closed doors, Howard Dean had to be convinced not to seek relief in the wrong direction.
All three cable networks put on scientists to refute the claims. In the interest of being Fair And Balanced, they also got scientists who supported the President. This made for some good shouting matches. Fox ratings went up.
A spokesman for the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) refused to comment, stating that certain information is now classified.
Speaking at a Republican fundraiser, President Bush stated that he has the right approach to global warming. He stated “There are good people who don’t want to make this fight, the same people who want to cut and run everywhere else on our great planet. I respect their opinions, but I think they are wrong –-- and here’s why. I believe the ocean is a key battleground in the global war on warmth. We will fight them there, rather than here.” After only a smattering of applause, the President, raising his arm and pointing emphatically, said “There! Over there!” He got a standing ovation. The President then cautioned that the war was not over yet, and he needed everyone’s prayers and support. This produced another ovation, with cheering and whistling.
When questioned at the daily briefing, press secretary Tony Snow cited the President’s belief in free markets and his support for school prayer. Despite numerous questions by the press corps, he refused to elaborate, referring the matter to the appropriate authorities.
On the Sunday talk shows, Ken Mehlman, the Republican Party Chairman, said that this would be a good issue for Republican candidates in the days ahead. “The gloom and doom Democrats want lots of hurricanes with horrendous damage just to embarrass the President. They will find out where they stand when the polls close”
On Meet The Press, Vice President Cheney declared “Our opponents in Congress will stand by helplessly and watch which way the wind blows, while we prefer to keep the high pressure on until all hurricanes are squashed”. Tim Russert did not ask a follow-up question, simply staring at Mr. Cheney with his mouth open until commercial break.
Leading Democrats, surprisingly unified on the issue, declined comment pending new polling data. It was rumored that, behind closed doors, Howard Dean had to be convinced not to seek relief in the wrong direction.
All three cable networks put on scientists to refute the claims. In the interest of being Fair And Balanced, they also got scientists who supported the President. This made for some good shouting matches. Fox ratings went up.
A spokesman for the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) refused to comment, stating that certain information is now classified.
Paper on Nuclear Aims Called Dishonest
Let me offer a few suggesstions to the 'Let's Open Another Front in the War On Terror' talking pointers:
1. I haven't read it, but I totally disagree with it.
2. Why doesn't anybody talk about the parts that weren't called "Outrageous and Dishonest"?
3. One man's "Outrageous and Dishonest" is another man's typo.
4. Just because the IAEA got lucky on Iraq doesn't mean they are right this time.
5. It doesn't matter. Iran has violated a UN resolution and that's enough.
1. I haven't read it, but I totally disagree with it.
2. Why doesn't anybody talk about the parts that weren't called "Outrageous and Dishonest"?
3. One man's "Outrageous and Dishonest" is another man's typo.
4. Just because the IAEA got lucky on Iraq doesn't mean they are right this time.
5. It doesn't matter. Iran has violated a UN resolution and that's enough.
The Situation in Baghdad
As Generals Billy Kristol and Richie Lowry astutely observe in Tuesday’s (9/12) Washington Post, we need more troops in Baghdad. I wholehearted agree. We have to nip that situation in the bud before it starts to become a problem.
I disagree when they say “it is clear that stripping troops from other fronts risks progress elsewhere”. We have plenty of troops. All we have to do is redeploy them with their equipment to just over the Baghdad horizon. Whenever the terrorists start a fight they can fly to the scene and cool off the neighborhood by waterbombing the bad guys back into their holes.
Now some may say that our western states could become vulnerable to forest fires. While I respect their opinions, I disagree. However, if the governors get too upset, we could leave some behind, substituting troops who have experience with foreigners in the War on Swimming and Fenceclimbing. And there are probably a few stragglers left in New Orleans from the War on Water.
Here is how we handle those pesky unexpected forest fires:
Some say that it’s just Mother Nature and we should let them burn themselves out. They may have a point. Except for the guys who get so absorbed in their sing-along that they don’t pay attention to the campfire. They should take responsibility and pay for any property damage. That’s the American Way.
I disagree when they say “it is clear that stripping troops from other fronts risks progress elsewhere”. We have plenty of troops. All we have to do is redeploy them with their equipment to just over the Baghdad horizon. Whenever the terrorists start a fight they can fly to the scene and cool off the neighborhood by waterbombing the bad guys back into their holes.
Now some may say that our western states could become vulnerable to forest fires. While I respect their opinions, I disagree. However, if the governors get too upset, we could leave some behind, substituting troops who have experience with foreigners in the War on Swimming and Fenceclimbing. And there are probably a few stragglers left in New Orleans from the War on Water.
Here is how we handle those pesky unexpected forest fires:
Some say that it’s just Mother Nature and we should let them burn themselves out. They may have a point. Except for the guys who get so absorbed in their sing-along that they don’t pay attention to the campfire. They should take responsibility and pay for any property damage. That’s the American Way.
Regarding Bob Novak's September 14 vent on Armitage's leak.
Dear Bob - would you deign to accept a few followup questions?
1. Do you still have to protect your second source, or was he first?
2. Did John Ashcroft pass the buck because of a conflict of interest with Armitage or the other guy?
3. Why do you think Paddy Fitzgerald got so annoyed at Scooter's teeny-weeny fibs?
I will always remember you affectionately from the Capitol Gang, especially the night when half your eyebrow came off. The best part was after the break, when the eyebrow was still dangling. I really appreciated all your buddies on the panel keeping their mouths shut and their faces straight.
Enough on this sideshow. There are bigger buffalo chips to throw in the fire.
Dear Bob - would you deign to accept a few followup questions?
1. Do you still have to protect your second source, or was he first?
2. Did John Ashcroft pass the buck because of a conflict of interest with Armitage or the other guy?
3. Why do you think Paddy Fitzgerald got so annoyed at Scooter's teeny-weeny fibs?
I will always remember you affectionately from the Capitol Gang, especially the night when half your eyebrow came off. The best part was after the break, when the eyebrow was still dangling. I really appreciated all your buddies on the panel keeping their mouths shut and their faces straight.
Enough on this sideshow. There are bigger buffalo chips to throw in the fire.
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