The Torture Debate

Whenever I feel conflicted over a knotty problem, I sometimes look up at the pictures on my Wall of Fame to imagine what those guys would think. And so it is with this so-called ‘Torture Issue’.
I think I know what Jesus would say, but then there is Tommy Torquemada. Hmmm. What if they had a Fair and Balanced debate? You might think it would be a slam-dunk, but if Jesus didn’t do his homework, Tommy could sandbag him with all kinds of verses from the Bible. Anyway, they would probably get too academic and leave me more confused then I am now.
So I continued scanning the wall. Bobby E. Lee vs. Billy T. Sherman? Probably get sidetracked on tangential issues. Buster Keaton probably wouldn’t say much either way. Jimmy Carter and Ronnie Reagan? That wouldn’t be fair.
At last! Here are the guys who can resolve the matter once and for all!

The cast:
PARROT - Eric Idle
LEFTY - Michael Palin
RIGHTY - John Cleese
LEO - Terry Jones
ZERO - Graham Chapman (Can’t R.I.P.)
AUDIENCE - Themselves
The scene is the Henhouse TV studio. Parrot sits behind his desk, flanked by Lefty and Righty in their usual seats.
Parrot: Welcome back, boys. Today’s debate topic is ‘Does Torture Work?’ What say you, Lefty?
Lefty: It doesn't work. You can never be sure you get the right answer.
Righty: Of course it works, you twip. You just have to keep at it until you phrase the question properly. Something your ilk of mealy-mouthed blackguards have no stomach for.
Lefty: No, it doesn’t.
Righty: Yes it does.
Lefty: No, it doesn’t!
Righty: Yes it does!
Lefty: Doesn’t.
Righty: Does.
Lefty: Doesn’t.
Righty: Does.
Parrot: Look here, boys. This is contradiction, not debate. We’ll have to spice up the conversation a bit.
Parrot waves and Zero and Leo wheel in a large filled bathtub. It has a seesaw balanced on top with straps attached. A.K.A. – The Medieval Waterboard. They grab Lefty, strap him down and upend him.
Leo and Zero in unison: One one thousand, two one thousand, three one thousand.
The studio audience joins in. After fifteen one thousand, Parrot signals and Zero and Leo bring Lefty up for air.
Parrot: What say you now, Lefty?
Lefty (gasping): That wasn’t fair.
Righty: Answer the question.
Parrot: Yes, please do.
Lefty hesitates and Zero and Leo wiggle the board up and down.
Lefty: All right. All right. Torture works.
Zero and Leo unstrap Lefty and, as the audience cheers, he returns to his seat.
Lefty: Do you have a towel?
A towel is thrown in from offstage and Lefty mops his face.
Lefty: How about a blow dryer?
Parrot: Nevermind that. Let’s get on with it.
Righty: You’ll have to admit you’ve shown your yellow stripe and I’ve scored a clear-cut victory.
Parrot: Just a moment, my friend. We have to be fair and balanced here.
Parrot nods and Leo and Zero grab Righty, strap him down and upend him.
Leo and Zero in unison: One one thousand, two one thousand, three one thousand.
The studio audience joins in. After fifteen one thousand, Parrot signals and Zero and Leo bring Righty up for air.
Parrot: What say you now, Righty?
Righty (gasping): Torture works.
Parrot: What say you, Lefty?
Lefty smiles, opens his mouth, then swallows hard.
Parrot: I’m waiting, Lefty.
Lefty: I agree with him. What say you, Parrot?
Parrot: I disagree. He’s been tortured and hasn’t changed his opinion. That seems to prove the opposite premise. Is that correct, Righty, or shall we rephrase the question?
Righty (grudgingly): Torture doesn’t work.
Zero and Leo unstrap Righty and he returns to his seat as the audience boos loudly.
Righty: Can I borrow that towel?
Lefty: Of course.
Righty mops his face and hands the towel back to Lefty.
Righty: Thank you.
Lefty: You’re welcome.
Lefty and Righty sit staring straight ahead. Parrot looks back and forth at them. After several seconds of silence, the audience starts to hiss. Parrot waves his hands for quiet.
Parrot: Gentlemen. We appear to have lost the thread here. You seem somewhat refreshed, Lefty. Why don’t you continue?
Lefty (slowly): Torture is a very effective technique to use when conducting debates.
Righty: No it isn’t.
Lefty: Of course it is. It worked on you, or didn’t it?
Righty: It did, but it didn’t. What I mean to say is, well --- nevermind, I’ll stick with my position.
Parrot: Which is?
Lefty: Don’t answer that. We need a different approach. Something we both can agree on. What say you, Righty?
Righty: I’m with you all the way, Lefty.
They stand up, seize Parrot, strap him on the waterboard and upend him before Zero and Leo can intervene. The four of them fight over the foot end of the seesaw as Parrot’s head bobs up and down.
Righty: Back off, you two! If you don’t stop interfering, I’ll never appear on this show again.
Lefty: Neither will I!
Zero and Leo hesitate, then back off.
Leo: How long will you keep him under?
Lefty: As long as necessary.
Righty: Absolutely!
Leo: What do you want him to say?
Righty: Nothing at all.
Lefty: He’s said too much already.
Leo: Zero, shouldn’t we do something?
Zero: What for? Have you seen the ratings lately? Without these two, he’s as good as dead.
Leo: I just don’t know. Zero.
Zero: Wake up, Leo. Can’t you see what the demand for these guys will be after this show? They can write their own ticket everywhere. And they’ll take us with them, all the way to the top. Right, boys?
Lefty: Sure enough!
Righty: Right on!
Leo: Zero, I don’t want to go to jail.
Zero: Don’t be silly. After what Parrot did to them, it’s totally justifiable. No jury would convict them. And we are just innocent bystanders.
Leo: Well, we did try to stop them.
Lefty: Unquestionably!
Righty: Unambiguously!
Zero: The people! The people will support us. We’ll have a huge legal defense fund and get lawyers who will be glad to take the case for nothing. See what I mean, boys?
Lefty: Positively!
Righty: Precisely!
Leo: Look Zero, he’s still twitching. The audience is still watching him.
Zero: Not for long. This Parrot is shmutz. Chazarie. Bubkes. A former tchotchke. His show has to move to a different network.
Leo: You’re right Zero. Now he seems to be resting comfortably.
They all look at Parrot’s motionless legs in the air.
Lefty: Mort.
Righty: Muerto.
Leo: Senza vita.
Lefty: Surrendere a son destin.
Righty: Habla el loro, yo no mas.
Leo: Cadavere. Il grande fumo.
Lefty: Coup de pied de seau a glace.
Righty: Debajo de autobus. Matar de el camino.
Leo: Metabolismo, come si dice, storia.
Lefty: Chanter le blues avec Billie Vacances.
Righty: Y zona rural con Johnny Dinero.
Leo: Sala de ballo con Lawrence Welk.
Zero: Shluffen mit pesci papagallo.
Leo: Sorry Zero, that’s a mixed metaphor.
Zero: No it isn’t!
Leo: Yes it is!
Righty: No time for another debate, mate. I believe we need an advert break.
Lefty: Unfortunately, though not as finally as our friend over there, we have run completely out of time.
Righty: Just as well. I believe it is time to redeploy some of the excess water we have taken in. What say you, partner?
Lefty: Absolutely!
Leo: Definitivement!
Zero: Assolutamente esatto!
The four clasp hands and take several bows to thunderous applause and whistling from the audience. They leave the stage. The audience files out. The studio lights are turned off one by one. It is very dark.
On the stage, the right foot twitches. The left foot bends at the knee and flexes. Ever so slowly, the seesaw starts moving up to a parallel, then beyond.
FIN FINAL FINE GENUG
We wish to thank our friends at wordreference.com and wikipedia.org for their support. Any similarity to Mel Brooks characters, living or dead, is impurely coincidental.